Monday, May 23, 2011

Day 165: Snow White Softness

The softest of socks imaginable. I will look forward to feeling these on my feet again in a long while. I wore these last Thursday. Again, a long time ago, but what I've been thinking about today is what I really want to share.

I had a fabulous day today. Slept in a little bit, got up and went for an extended brunch with a friend. Then went with a couple more friends and we watched Justin Bieber's movie, Never Say Never. It was actually quite cute, and he's legitimately more talented than I ever gave him credit for before, so that's pretty cool.

This evening I was in a strange head space. I know that I get all up in my head a lot. I know that I over analyze every thought, every word, every detail of every situation, but that's just who I am. Tonight I was more all up in my head about life in general though:

What's my direction? What do I want out of life? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to live? Realistically, what would I want my "legacy" to look like/sound like/feel like?

I feel like people struggle with these same questions their entire lives and often come up empty-handed in the answer department. I feel that no matter how hard I try to figure it all out, circumstances will always come up that prevent me from being able to fully plan my future. I am organized. I plan. The idea of not knowing everything that will happen is frustrating, but at the same time exhilarating. How boring would life be if I truly knew everything that would happen and could anticipate every turn? While that would be boring, it would make nights like this easier.

I am feeling stressed that I don't know what I want. I've realized that while I have a serious passion for the career field I have chosen, I don't yet know what that will look like in my life. I don't know what facet of Human Resources I want to delve deepest into. I don't know what type of company will be the best for me to work in.

After an hour and a half drive when I should have been sleeping, I've realized that my pensive state is coming from a feeling of restlessness. I contemplated just driving to the ocean in Vancouver; Responsibility and maturity held me back.

Now that I've started a steady job and it's what I'm looking at for the entire summer, I am completely restless: trapped, locked in, claustrophobic. I realize this is not the rest of my life, rather just a short, 4-month period. I know it has an end date. I will get there. For now, I need to focus on learning as much as I can and taking this experience that's been given to me. I need to delve into all the areas of HR that they present to me and grow the knowledge about my chosen career path. I need to focus on the positives of everything I'm learning and how this experience will help to lead me to my end goal, rather than focusing on the restless side of me that just wants to run away and never look back.

I'll get there.


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