This is the wind in my hair. This is the salt on my lips. This is my life, my heart.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Day 206: Only the Ocean and Me
Ridiculously honest post:
After 5+ years of not being in a serious relationship, I don’t really remember what it feels like to be in love. I don’t remember butterflies in my stomach. I don’t remember what it feels like to have my heart broken. Seriously broken, by just a few words from the mouth of someone I care deeply for.
What holds me back from relationships? I’m realizing, it’s me. Myself. I.
As soon as someone shows interest, I usually internally pick them apart for all their small quirks or think about all the reasons why it would be impossible with them. I essentially talk myself out of giving them a chance. I sabotage my own shot at love. At hurt. At feeling.
I want to love. I want to hurt. I want to feel. But, my own internal dialogue is making this impossible. I think my heart is scared, so my brain takes over and rationalizes my heart’s feelings. My brain tells my heart that it’s understandable, even admirable, to be scared. It tells my heart that the pain of being hurt isn’t worth the love that brings it, so why even bother? It tells my heart that no one I meet is worth the fight and that couldn't be further from the truth.
My brain needs to stop. My true heart, the heart desirous of love regardless of the consequences, likely needs to be more open.